“I don’t know how much more I can take,” Shelia*, a new mom, told me during her recent therapy session. David*, a dad who lost his job during the pandemic, is now fighting to support his family. As a psychologist, many of my patients have said that the many stresses of the past year have become too much to bear. With all of this turmoil, one thing is abundantly clear: We need to be there for one another and help each other get through this.
But that can feel like a tall order when you’re barely keeping afloat yourself. After all, how do we show up for others when it feels like we only have energy for our own problems? The short answer: We have to be intentional about how we practice empathy.
You probably have a general idea of what empathy is, but a definition mental health professionals like me use a lot is “the ability to understand and respond to another person’s emotional state.” Not only does empathy shine a light on someone else’s pain, it’s also a crucial component of human relationships. “Empathy connects us to others, which can be healing,” social worker and empathy expert Kelsey Crowe, Ph.D., tells SELF. She was recently a visiting scholar at the Center on Civility and Democratic Engagement at the University of California, Berkeley.
When we’re not dealing with collective suffering like we are now, empathy doesn’t usually feel like a chore. However, when we’re emotionally and physically drained, our empathic abilities may seem out of reach, Dr. Crowe explains. Why? Because prolonged stress puts our nervous systems on high alert, taking a toll on both our minds and our bodies. And when our nervous system is in overdrive, stress hormones like cortisol spike, which can cause irritability, sadness, and anger to rise. When we’re caught in our own emotional fog, it’s harder to show up for others. It can even lead to something called empathic distress, which means your bandwidth to respond to someone else’s suffering is stretched thin.
Which brings us back to how we can be intentional about our empathy. One way, according to Dr. Crowe, is to identify your “empathy superpower.”
What are empathy superpowers?
Empathy superpowers, a term coined by Dr. Crowe, are the ways empathy comes most naturally to us. Similar to being a natural-born leader, listener, or peacemaker, they’re innate tendencies that align with our personalities. They provide helpful insight into practical and less draining ways we can convey kindness—maybe even in ways you hadn’t considered before. For instance, maybe you always thought that being a good listener was the only way to show empathy, but awesome gift-giving abilities count as empathy too.
Because empathy isn’t one-size-fits-all, these empathy superpowers can guide us in how best to show up for others, especially right now. Identifying your superpower might make lending a helping hand less draining amid the pandemic, which can help prevent compassion fatigue, a sort of emotional burnout that makes it difficult to feel empathy for others. Feeling numb, having trouble concentrating, and feeling helpless can all be signs. However, when we choose an act of kindness that comes naturally, helping doesn’t feel as taxing or uncomfortable, Dr. Crowe says.
Through her research of people who had survived hardships such as cancer, pregnancy loss, or the death of a loved one, Dr. Crowe found that acts of empathy tend to fall into three buckets. She coined these three empathic styles as Gift Givers, Workhorses, and Listeners. While most people generally lean in one direction, you might find that you have a mix of different superpowers. Reading through the sections below, one or more might immediately make you say, Oh, yeah, this is me. But if you find yourself unsure about your empathy superpower, Dr. Crowe recommends completing this sentence: When loved ones are hurting, I like to show empathy by…and seeing which superpower most closely aligns with your go-to way of showing love.
Ready to explore your superpower? Here’s how you can take care of others—and yourself—during this time.
The Gift Giver
If you’re known for crafting an impeccable care package that never fails to make your friends cry with gratitude, you may be a Gift Giver. When you hear that a family member is ill or that a friend is going through a breakup, your first thought may be, What can I send to show my support? Instead of reaching out with a phone call, Gift Givers prefer to show empathy by sending thoughtful and helpful gifts or supplies. Frequently, it’s their way of saying, I’m sorry life sucks. I’m thinking of you.
Kind gestures like these can make a big difference, says Dr. Crowe, because most people hesitate to ask for help, even when they hit a rough patch. Plus, Gift Givers recognize that people often need space while going through a hard time. Dropping off meals, fruit baskets, or sending a card can relieve your loved ones from having to ask for support while also not putting more on their plate.
What to watch out for:
Just because gift giving comes most easily to you doesn’t mean it’ll be a breeze in the middle of a pandemic, when your schedule, finances, and emotional energy may be compromised. Now might be the time to make some modifications to your usual acts of kindness. For example, instead of prepping homemade meals, you might send a restaurant gift card or order delivery for them, or find a premade care package online instead of assembling an elaborate gift basket yourself.
But if the thought of sending any gift leaves you anxious, it may also be a sign that this isn’t your preferred superpower after all, even if you thought it was. Same goes for the other superpowers on this list. Sometimes, our go-to superpowers are actually behaviors that have been reinforced by family norms or expectations. How can you tell? If you’re flexing your true superpower, coming up with ideas that don’t demand as much time will create relief instead of stress.
The Workhorse
If you tend to ease a friend’s burdens by jumping into action mode, you may be a Workhorse. Your loved ones probably know you as a “doer,” the type of person who’s quick to help a job-seeking acquaintance revamp their cover letter or the first one to organize a community fundraiser. These gestures, even when small, can make people feel loved, Dr. Crowe says.
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There are a few reasons you may gravitate toward acts of service like this. “The Workhorse may prefer to take action because they shy away from emotional conversations,” Dr. Crowe explains. As a Workhorse, you probably find driving a sick friend to the doctor easier than talking about their illness.
Your culture and family values could lead you to default to serving as a Workhorse too. Collectivist cultures, which emphasize the needs of the group over the needs of the individual, tend toward this empathic style. “When a loved one or community member is suffering, people from collectivist cultures acknowledge that pain affects everyone,” Ulash Dunlap, M.F.T., a psychotherapist who specializes in social justice, tells SELF. “In these communities, empathy superpowers may be an agreed-upon family practice instead of an individual endeavor.”
What to watch out for:
Giving more of ourselves, especially during fraught times, takes a toll, especially when someone is ill and needs ongoing care. If you’re bone tired, overly anxious, or emotionally depleted, consider finding support of your own. Another sign you may be taking on too much: sacrificing your own tasks to continually care for someone else. If your own to-do list keeps growing because you’re devoting so much time to your friend, don’t forget to save some oxygen for yourself.
Finding lighter ways to practice empathy might feel difficult as a Workhorse, given that you like to be hands-on. Try to be creative in finding ways to help out that are less time-consuming or draining. This might mean sending your friend some money via Venmo so they can take a Lyft to their doctor’s appointment instead of driving them yourself (especially in the pandemic when physical distance is key) or doing the work of making arrangements for another family member to help carry the load.
The Listener
A natural-born counselor, the Listener expresses empathy by being present with another person’s pain. “Listeners are relational people who connect with another person’s feelings, which researchers call affective empathy,” Dr. Crowe says.
As a Listener, you’re probably quick to pick up the phone or fire off a thoughtful text message whenever someone reaches out. Because of your keen listening skills, friends may turn to you for advice even when a crisis isn’t brewing. And in a crisis, you almost always know the right thing to say.
While listening can’t stop the pandemic or undo unbearable grief, being present with someone’s anger and sadness can make ongoing uncertainties more bearable, Dunlap shares. Empathic listening allows us to connect with ourselves and build intimacy with others, too, clinical psychologist Jami Grich, Psy.D., tells SELF.
What to watch out for:
Because Listeners tend to feel another person’s pain pretty intensely, Dr. Crowe says they may be more sensitive to compassion fatigue. Coping starts with choosing to turn down the dial or setting a clear boundary when it comes to how much you give. If you don’t have enough time for a socially distanced visit or lengthy phone call, drop a thoughtful card in the mail or send a quick email. For loved ones who need face-to-face contact, let them know how much time you can spare, if it’s possible to do so safely.
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Also remember that you can use your skills without constantly lending an ear to heavy topics that leave you feeling worn out. Empathic listening can also include hearing about your friend’s favorite shows on Netflix or catching up on another aspect of their life, which in turn can help distract them and still feel connected and supported.
There are a few things all styles should keep in mind.
While it’s useful to lean into your own empathy superpower for all the reasons we talked about, remember that empathy styles can collide. What you think of as a helpful act of kindness might feel jarring or inappropriate to the receiver. For example, someone might balk at the idea of financial support from someone who isn’t family or feel cornered by intimate conversations about their emotions. For this reason, communication is everything. “Tell your friend or family member, ‘I’d like to support you and here are three ways I can help. Which one feels useful?’” Dr. Crowe recommends.
It’s also important to keep in mind that even when you’re flexing your superpower mindfully, it’s possible to burn out and experience empathic distress and compassion fatigue, so you have to monitor your own well-being. Pay close attention to any changes in your sleep or appetite, as those can be indicators of stress. You might also keep a mood journal to track your own emotional highs and lows, such as feeling more irritable and hopeless. All of these might be signs that you need to pull back from helping others to look after yourself.
If that’s the case, give yourself permission to take a pause, practice self-care, and seek out spaces to process your emotions. “Empathy isn’t a rescue mission. In the end, it should be rewarding for the giver and the receiver,” Dr. Grich says.
* In order to protect patient confidentiality, Sheila and David are patient composites that represent struggles that many of Dr. Fraga’s patients face.
